Sometimes faith is tested in the big things, and sometimes it is tested in something as ordinary as wondering how you are going to pay the bills. The past nine months have been really tough. There were moments when I honestly did not know whether I had enough strength to endure another thing. I felt as though I had reached the point where I could not take much more. And then, almost unexpectedly, there was a breakthrough. I breathed again. I thanked God. I thought, Perhaps this difficult season is finally coming to an end.

But soon after, something else came along.

Isn't that sometimes how life feels? Just when you begin to catch your breath, another challenge appears.

This time, much of my fear was connected to our income. My husband is already of pension age, yet he managed to find a job. We were grateful. For a few months, things looked hopeful. But some of the effects of the stroke he had experienced began to affect him at work, and eventually the job came to an end.

And if I am completely honest, I was not surprised. I had feared it would happen, and then it did.

I was angry. I was frightened. I panicked.

We have been living in Germany for thirteen years. We came here after a very difficult chapter in our lives, following our sequestration. We started working shortly after arriving and have worked hard throughout the years. But the reality is that our pension contributions are not enough to provide everything we need to live comfortably in retirement. There may come a point when we need some form of government assistance, and that is something I have struggled deeply with.

I do not want to be in that position. I want to provide for myself. I want to work. I want to be independent. I want to know that we will be okay.

And perhaps there is the problem.

I want to know.

I want to know how the bills will be paid. I want to know where the income will come from. I want to know what will happen next. I want to know that we will be okay before I allow myself to rest.

But faith does not always give us the luxury of knowing.

My husband would remind me that God will provide. Sometimes he would remind me of my little faith, and although I did not always want to hear it, I knew there was truth in what he was saying. Because I was looking at what I could see. The numbers. The bills. The uncertainty. The loss of income. The possibility of what could happen. And God was asking me to trust Him with what I could not see.

That is much harder for me than I want to admit.

There is something comforting about being able to see a way forward. When we can see the solution, we can make a plan. When we have a plan, we feel that we have some control. And when we feel that we have some control, fear tends to quieten down.

But what happens when there is no obvious solution? What happens when you cannot see the way forward? What happens when the thing you are facing is completely outside your ability to manage or control?

That is where faith becomes real.

When things are going well, faith can feel easy. We thank God for His goodness. We praise Him for His provision. We say that He is faithful. And He is.

But uncertainty has a way of revealing what we really believe. When the future is uncertain, our faith is challenged. Suddenly we are no longer simply saying, God will provide. We are asking, But how?

And that little word can carry an enormous amount of fear.

How will this work out? How will we manage? Where will the money come from? What happens if this gets worse? What if God does not provide in the way I am hoping He will?

I have had to face some uncomfortable truths about myself through this season. I realise how much easier it is for me to trust when I can see a solution. I find it easier to have faith when I can understand what God might be doing. I am much more comfortable when I can do something about the situation, make a plan, find a solution or influence the outcome.

But when something is completely outside my control, I struggle.

And perhaps that is where faith begins.

Faith begins precisely where my ability to see ends.

I cannot tell you that I have mastered this. I haven't. There are still moments when fear rises quickly, moments when I look at our circumstances and feel that familiar panic beginning to settle in. There are moments when I want to calculate everything and somehow find a way to guarantee that we will be okay.

But then I remember.

God has provided before.

Again and again.

Not always in the way I expected. Not always according to my timing. But He has been faithful.

I think back over my life and there are so many moments when I could not see how something would work out, and yet somehow it did. There were times when I thought I had reached the end of what I could endure, and yet God gave me strength for another day. There were times when I could not see a way forward, and a way appeared. There were times when I thought everything was falling apart, and later I could see that God had been holding me all along.

And still I worry.

Still I forget.

Still I look at what I can see instead of remembering what I know.

Perhaps that is why those words on the school bag stopped me in my tracks.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

God never said I would always understand. He never promised that I would always see the provision before I needed it. He never said that I would always know how the story would unfold. He simply calls me to walk with Him, one step at a time.

I am learning that trusting God does not mean pretending difficult things will never happen. It does not mean ignoring financial realities or refusing to make wise plans. Faith is not irresponsibility. Faith is making the plans I can make while refusing to believe that my plans are what ultimately hold my future together.

Faith is doing what I can do and leaving what I cannot do in God's hands.

And that is where I need to grow.

I cannot control tomorrow. I cannot guarantee that there will never be another financial difficulty. I cannot guarantee that life will unfold according to the plans I have made. But I can pray.

Lord, strengthen me.

Strengthen me for whatever comes. Give me wisdom for the decisions I need to make. Give me courage when fear rises. Give me grace for today. And when I cannot see the way forward, help me remember that You can.

Maybe this is what walking by faith looks like for me now. It is not having all the answers. It is not knowing exactly how provision will come. It is not knowing what tomorrow holds. It is taking today's step anyway, and then tomorrow, taking the next one.

I may not have the blind, childlike faith I once had. My faith is becoming something different. Something deeper. Something that has been tested by loss, disappointment, uncertainty and fear. It is a faith that has learned that seeing is not the same as believing. A faith that is learning that control is not the same as security. A faith that is slowly discovering that I do not have to know how God will provide in order to trust that He will be faithful.

So when fear asks, “But what if?” I am learning to answer with what I know.

God has been faithful before.

God is faithful now.

And even when I cannot see how He will make a way, I can still take the next step.

Because I am not walking by sight.

I am walking by faith.

When You Don't Understand What God Is Doing

Maybe you are facing your own season of uncertainty right now. Perhaps you are praying for provision, direction, healing or an answer that has not yet come.

I created When God Says No, a free devotional for those moments when God's answer does not look anything like what we hoped for.

Because sometimes faith is not about understanding the answer. It is about learning to trust the One who holds it.

Get your free copy and join me for honest encouragement for the seasons when faith feels fragile.

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