A Year Ago...
A year ago, we gathered in Elizabeth’s hospital room, with the hope of a miracle. The night before the doctors prepared us for the worst. The pressure and fluid kept rising in her brain, and they had to remove part of her skull to make more space for her brain. We needed to wait twenty hours, before they declare her brain dead.
Before we drove out to the hospital, I went for a walk. I just had to get out of the house. It was still dark, and it rained that morning. I screamed and pleaded God for a miracle. As I made my way back to the house, I said:” Okay, Lord, you can have her. I lay her on the altar”, in desperation.
Making our way to the hospital, I sensed a peace—a peace that was with us as we entered her room and stayed with us the whole day. Walking into the room, I saw a nurse preparing dough. I then realized that what we hoped and prayed for did not happen—no blood flow to the brain. We stayed hopeful. I tickled her feet and rubbed her arms and spoke with her, hoping and praying she would open her eyes.
By noon the doctors came by to speak with us about more tests before the de-escalation process. I wished for the time to stand still for us to have more time with Elizabeth. As they wheeled her back into the room, they prepared the room and made it comfortable for us. They brought in a bigger bed for the parents to lie next to her. As the time drew near for the de-escalation to start, I noticed that the sky cleared up and the sun was shining into the room. Late afternoon we said our final goodbyes to Elizabeth.
We could stay with her for as long as we wished. As I held her for the last time, and pressed her tightly to my chest, all I wanted was for life to get back into her. I watched the nurse lit candles as the sunset, how she gently washed Elizabeth as if she was porcelain. There was so much peace in that room.
We drove home in silence. Later that night when speaking to my friend, I mentioned to her, that it felt as if we were restrained. I could not explain it but looking back over that day, I know that the Holy Spirit restrained us.
So many people around the world prayed for Elizabeth, and yet she died. I battled through the night with the thought that she was ripped away from us at such a very young age. It was the next morning when my daughter shared with me a piece out of Lysa Terkeurst book, "It's not supposed to be this way", and it was a message for me from heaven: "God didn’t cause this but He is allowing it…". I know this, that God did not cause the sickness, but He allowed it to happen. We will never have the answers and we continue to believe that God is good and faithful. He has our world in the palm of His hand.
Isaiah 41:10 ESV
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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